revenge of the nerds Have you ever phoned technical support with a computer problem? Of course you have! Who wrote that manual — someone in Greece? Who designed this desktop — Picasso? What on God's green earth is a com port?
The tech support person answering your call has his own frustrations. He depends on you to be his eyes and ears, but you don't know what's going on — that's why you called. You must explain a problem you can't explain. Any experienced technician has seen intelligent people turn to jelly in front of a computer. They can't think. They can't breathe. The keys don't work. Why can't computers be as simple as television?
The technician understands all this in the same vague way he understands gravity. Computers are not complicated from his perspective. He devours the manuals. He believes all answers can be found there and apparently understands the language in which they're written. He has completed the software tutorials. He knows the difference between RAM and the size of a hard drive. He looks for the simple solution first. He does not become angry with a machine, because a machine only does what it's told (although it may not necessarily be listening to you).
To relieve the stress and tension created by these polar positions, tech support people form Web-based support groups where they can commiserate about users who want help but seem unwilling to help themselves. It is here that computer technicians share war stories and blow off steam.
Pete Nelson, the tech behind Tech's Support, writes that too many callers are "arrogant, pretentious, pedantic, insolent, presumptuous, egotistical, conceited, pompous, pseudo-intellectual, pseudo-professional morons. Seventy-five percent refuse to read the manual. Fifty percent fight every suggestion. Forty percent who get error messages don't write them down. That leaves the five percent who really do have a problem that isn't addressed anywhere in the manual, and who have to hold for 45 minutes behind all the people listed above." Whew!
The creator of TechHell takes a more conciliatory view. "The majority of the callers I talk to are literate, educated people," writes Jim Moffitt. "Some are doctors or lawyers. Most are just new to desktop computers. If I could get them to understand that I am as qualified at my job as they are at theirs, we could have them up and running in no time."
Those are the typical callers. What tech support people love are toppers, the examples of willful ignorance that fill insider newsletters such as Tech Tales and Tech Support Tales. Depending on your expertise, you will either laugh at these exchanges or wince in recognition.

Caller: My sound card is defective.
Tech: What is wrong with it?
Caller: The balance is mixed up. The left channel comes out of the right speaker, and the right channel comes out of the left.
Tech: Sir, just move the left speaker to the right side of the machine and vice versa.
Caller: Oh. <click>

Caller: I hate Windows because of the icons. I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons.
Tech: Icons is an industry term, sir.
Caller: I don't care about any industry terms. I don't believe in icons.
Tech: Why don't you click on the little picture of a file cabinet? Is "little picture" OK?
Caller: <click>

Caller: My printer isn't working!
Tech: Is your printer turned on?
Caller: Ummm . . . oh. <click>

If you're prepared, alert and follow instructions, you can avoid becoming a water cooler anecdote. "Be mostly sober and awake when you call," suggests TechHell. "Have the computer turned on. Know what kind of computer you have. Write down the error message. Go to the bathroom before you call."
Most important, be specific. "Don't refer to 'that weird-looking thing at the top of the picture.' Don't use a speakerphone. Don't threaten us with lawsuits. And never insult a technician who is editing your system file."
Words to compute — and call — by.

postings from tech support

• I teach Macintosh courses at CompUSA. In one of my classes an artist could not figure out how to change the font size. So she would type in what she wanted, print it out, scan it in a different percentage, then paste it into the document.
• About a month after a customer bought a computer from us, she complained that her CD-ROM drive wasn't working. I look at the computer. She doesn't have a CD-ROM drive. She points at the 5 1/4-inch drive and says, "What kind of computer salesman are you? Can't even recognize a CD-ROM drive when you see one?" Seems she had decided that because her CD fit quite nicely into her 5 1/4-inch floppy drive, it must be a CD-ROM drive.
• My friend Duane was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a patron sitting in front of one of the workstations with his arms across his chest as he stared at the screen. When my friend asked if the guy needed help, he replied, "It's about time! I pushed the F1 button over 20 minutes ago!"
• One of our tech support guys here at SuperMac got a call from a mid-level government official in Trinidad. It seemed there was a coup attempt in progress at that moment. However, there was a combination lock on the door to the armory. Of the people in the capitol city that day, only the Chief of the Capitol Guard and the Chief Armorer knew the combination to the lock, and they had been killed. The combination is stored in a Macintosh file but the file has been encrypted with a SuperMac product called Sentinel. Was there any chance that there was a "back door" to the application, so they could get the combination, open the armory door, and defend the Capitol building and the legitimately elected government of Trinidad against the insurgents? All the while he is asking this in a very calm voice, there is the sound of gunfire in the background. After some scrambling, the tech support guy told the official that aside from trying to guess the password, there was no way through Sentinel, and that they'd be better off trying to destroy the lock. The official was very polite, thanked him for the effort, and hung up. That night, the legitimate government of Trinidad fell. One of the BBC reporters mentioned that the casualties seemed heaviest in the capitol, where for some reason, there seemed to be little return fire from the government forces. Yes, they shouldn't have kept the combination in so precarious a fashion. But it does put a lot more perspective on "I can't fix my mail server" complaints, does it not?